One last tumble in the Weeds

You would think that after the Trainwreck known as Super Bowl I would have washed my hands of Dandy completely. And if I were a sound person of logic, I would have. But, my emotions are my vulnerability as well as my willingness to fall for guys so easily got the best of me, as they always do.

At work I'd put up an icy front against Dandy. I figured that hateful glares combined with the silent treatment was my best course of action to follow. But it was hard. I'd really liked him, even though he was a druggie douche. Maybe it was more of a pride issue. I'd felt initially that I'd been "settling" with Dandy, and that I was out of his league, so despite the feelings I'd developed, it was almost embarrassing that I'd been dissed by someone whom I'd considered beneath me. Although I suppose that served as a wake-up call of sorts.

Slowly my hard exterior melted away until Dandy and I reached cordial terms. It was difficult to maintain an animosity when we worked so closely together and ran in the same social circles. Plus, for some reason, I've time and time again exhibited a weakness and vulnerability for the men who stomped on their hearts. Maybe I'm a masochist, but I tend to give multiple chances to men I'm emotionally connected to.

After a night at work, I went to our favorite dive bar, the scene of many of my past work-related sexual indiscretions, with my friends Wispy and Gay J. We laughed over cocktails and shots, singing to the likes of Eddie Money, when lo and behold, who should enter the bar but Dandy. My heart skipped a beat, as I hadn't expected to see him there. This was naive on my part as the bar was one of our favorite hangouts.

I was flanked by my two good friends, who were feeding into my ego, and building me up. I felt like I had the upper hand, I was looking fabulous, feeling good from all the cocktails, and Dandy was practically falling over himself flirting with me. In my mind, it was the perfect scenario. I was thinking that he realized how stupid he was to screw things up and wanted to make amends. I played it cool, and Gay J was my trusty sidekick, constantly chiming in to tell Dandy how hot and sexy I was and how utterly out of his league I was and how lucky he would be to go home with a girl like me.

The shots and cocktails were a-flowing throughout the rest of the night, and by last call I was sufficiently hammered. Definitely too drunk to drive. Never too drunk to fuck. Naturally I got Dandy to drive me home and with very little convincing, invited him to stay over. What are principles when there's a need to get laid? The next morning was like old times, nothing awkward, and we went back to get his car (he'd driven mine home) and that was that.

Apparently I learned nothing from the whole McRugby debacle. I was foolish enough to believe that things were turning out the way I wanted. That Dandy was finally cutting Fanga loose, and we were going to be together. Things went back to the way they were, he was full-on back with Fanga and we never spoke of that night after the bar. I guess he just wanted one last roll in the hay before returning to his girlfriend.

Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back on my whole "relationship" with Dandy, I went in with wholly unrealistic expectations. I romanticized our affair, and ignored the looming possibility that he was still with Fanga. But he was never 100% honest with me and I shouldn't blame myself for his lies, because I had no reason not to believe him. The irony of the situation was that I had truly believed that with Dandy I had found a nice, sweet guy. I'm starting to question whether or not such a thing exists...

Life Love Lessons from Sam Jones

Here are a few of the life lessons I've learned from relationships and other romantic interactions:

--If you're not attracted to him now, you never will be. Don't try to force it. Don't try to convince yourself that you'll make it work. It will not happen.

--Don't underestimate the importance of attraction. It is VITALLY important.

--Money does not buy happiness.

When you actually learn that lesson, it will be much more subtle than you think. For me, I thought it would be perfect -- we could get a great place in Boston, I'd never have to work, he'd make enough money....but I didn't love him. The situation would have been so good, and so comfortable, and I'd never have to worry. I'm so thankful I got out of that situation when I did.

--When you hate someone, that can often increase your attraction to him exponentially.

--Sometimes someone who isn't your type will surprise you.

--Don't cheat. It will haunt you every day for the rest of your life and make you doubt yourself every day.

I wish I could get over this. I've been punishing myself for nearly a year and a half.

--If he has a small dick, RUN FOR THE HILLS.

Relationship Musings...

It's getting kind of late, and I've been feeling very introspective and very stream-of-consciousness lately. So I decided to jot down a few things I've learned over the years from my various relationships that I think are important for every young woman to know when approaching romantic relationships:

*Nobody wants to date Superman
When you're dating someone who has a problem, whether it be an affinity/addiction to drugs, a mental disorder like Depression, love isn't always enough. And you can never use your love to fix a problem. Sometimes caring isn't enough. You can't always be the hero and rescue someone from themselves and change them in order to fit them to the mold of the relationship. Saving someone is what great friends do, but most guys don't want to feel like they need to be taken care of by their woman.

*When a guy tells you that he has never told anyone that he loves them, and that he believes that he is "incapable of love," RUN.
Run far away. Don't convince yourself that you can be the one who will make him see the light and that one day he will be overcome by his emotions and profess his love for you. Much like dating a serial cheater and believing that you will somehow be the One who will change his philandering ways. By even admitting it, he's doing you a favor and giving you an out. Believe what he says, and end it there. If love is what you're looking for, a guy like this will never be able to give you what you need.

*Sexual attraction and a great friendship doesn't always translate into a solid relationship.
You can be friends and find each other attractive, but at the core, if there's no real compatibility in terms of what you want from a prospective partner, don't try to force something that's not there. Settle for a great friendship, and feel free to sprinkle in a little innocent flirtation here and there, just always make sure to set a boundary that you don't cross.

*Most guys DO want what they can't have.
How many times after you split from a guy do you just wish that one day he'll come to his senses and come back to you, begging for forgiveness and to give it another go? How many times do you attempt the tactic of being cold and distant and even pursuing casual relationships with other guys knowing it will get back to your ex? Realistically though, what do you expect to happen once he's overcome with jealously and starts chasing after you? Will all of the problems you had before suddenly melt away? Will you finally be able to keep him, after he came to see what he had lost?

Probably not. Which brings me to my next point.

*Break-ups happen for a reason.
They call them "break"-ups because the relationship is BROKEN. It's pretty much never worth giving it another go, because aside from a few extreme cases, whatever the roots of the problem that resulted in the initial break-up were, they will still be there. You can love someone with all your heart, but the only way to be fair to yourself and the other person, you need to recognize when a romantic relationship is impossible to maintain.

*Good things come to those who wait.
Every time a relationship ends, you feel utterly lost and hopeless. You feel like you'll never have another chance at love, and that feeling of desperation typically manifests into a desire for what was lost. Even if you got out of an unhealthy relationship, in retrospect, everything is romanticized in your sad and warped little mind, and you obsess over what you did wrong and how to get your Ex back. Let it go. There IS something better out there. And don't be afraid when it takes a little longer to find it. Despite what movies, television and magazines tell you, there is no definitive timeline of finding love. Don't pressure yourself to pursue dead-end relationships just to feel like you've found what everyone tells you you should be looking for. Never feel like you're the only single girl out there because you are not alone. And cherish your singledom and use it as an opportunity to realy get to know You, and what you really want out of life, love, relationships. Figure out what it is you want, what it is you need, and you'll find that when the next guy comes around, you won't have to waste your time and emotion on someone who isn't worth it.

*Never settle..
...for anything less than butterflies.

Ladies, I'm sure you have some other excellent personal philosophies you've cultivated for yourselves and your relationships over the years, so feel free to add your own musings to my list.

Sexual Quirks

We all have our little quirks when it comes to sex. Something that we do that isn't the most conventional or even acceptable in the intimate environment of the bedroom. Some people are into talking dirty, role-playing, bondage, S&M, furries/plushies, incorporating certain bodily fluids... I won't go into any more specifics, you get the idea.

Me? I'm a giggler.

I have this horrible habit of laughing uncontrollably in the middle of sex. I'm not really quite sure what it is that makes me act this way, but the best theory I could come up with traces back to my high school years.

My mother worked late and we had cable, and while I was home alone, I used to stay up late watching Skinemax.* I didn't watch it for any sexual reasons, I didn't find it to be a turn-on by any means. I just loved the ridiculous plots and horrible acting. To segue off, I'll recant a favorite Skinemax flick of mine. It was about a team of sexy scientists who discovered an alien plant that thrived off of the pheromones in the sweat produced by the fornication of humans. So the plant sent out pheromones of its own to promote sexual activity. And when all of the sexy scientits are exposed to the plant they all began fucking one another. Men and women, women and women, men and men, three ways, even the (sexy) janitor got in on the fun! The dialogue was hilariously projected and I don't know any movie that's ever made me laugh quite so hard. I can't remember the name of the movie, but if anyone out there knows, please inform me, otherwise the mystery will plague me.

I also worked in a library in high school, shelving books. I worked 4 hours shifts, but my actual work only took me about an hour to complete. With three hours to kill, I would typically hang out on the basement floor perusing the massive non-fiction seciton. And what section was the most interesting? The sex books! I was an introverted conservative girl, so I was curious. And the illustrations you find in these books? Also hilarious!

To get back on track to my current state, I'm pretty sure my childish takes on my limited sexual exposure growing up most likely accounts for my regrettable quirk I face in all present day bedroom romps.

I thought the laughter during sex wasn't a completely horrible thing. I'd always read in Cosmo that it was good to have a sense of humor about these things. And I was also a big fan of having an open dialogue between sexual partners. I guess what I hadn't really grasped was the filter I needed to incorporate before my openness and happy-go-lucky attitude crossed the lines of charmingly quirky to alarmingly inappropriate. I'd also managed to control my laughter to the occasional giggle, but I crossed a line the first time I ever went to bed with Dandy.

Granted, the first night we slept together was following the group dinner where we all got tanked and then went to the local dive bar to get even more hammered. I was a drunken mess that night, so I don't think that I should be held fully accountable for my lack of tact.

Prior to this night, I had been sort of coy and playing hard to get with Dandy. We'd made out a few times, but I had refused to let it get past those first base trysts in my car. I was trying to exercise some caution following the Rocky debacle. I thought it woud be better to delay the sleepovers, even platonic ones (platonic meaning, no sex because clearly when you've spent all night making out with someone you're interested in, the sleepover will never really be "platonic"), for fear of losing Dandy's respect.

Clearly with my alcohol intake, I threw caution to the wind that night. So, we went back to Dandy's house and stumbled into his room, making out and pawing at one another, tearing off clothes, being completely sloppy drunk all the while, I'm sure. As soon as we started having sex, I started laughing.

And laughing.

And laughing.

Laughing harder now.

Still laughing.

Dandy is still trying his hardest here to be sexy and manly and whatnot.

I answer back with laughter.

Uproarious laughter.

He finally asked what I was laughing at.

First, I said, between laughs, "Sex is funny."

Then, between more laughs and gasping for air, "And you made a funny face."

Still laughing, Dandy decided that this would be an appropriate time to give up trying and roll over and go to sleep. So we did.

The next morning, Dandy confessed that that had never happened to him before and he didn't quite know how to react. I tried to reassure him that I laugh all the time, and pointed out that it wasn't as bad as if I had cried. He conceded that that was true, and we stopped talking about it.

Then a few days later, I was out on the patio having a cigarette with his roommate when he asked me why I laughed non-stop during sex. Apparently, I had scarred Dandy for life. A few more of his friends asked me about it, and I couldn't really provide a satisfactory answer. I mean, I was drunk and I do think sex is funny, and it wasn't really a reflection on him or his skills, it was just a combination of several factors all jumbled in a girl's drunken mind.

I've since gotten better about laughing during sex, and since that one night with Dandy never had a time where I laughed constantly and without pause. I'll still chuckle occasionally because sometimes silly things happen or there's a funny noise, and you have to kind of laugh at it. You just also have to know when to control your laughter.

*For those of you unfamiliar with the term, Skinemax refers to the latenight softcore pornography you can find on Cinemax. God Bless it.