Monday, March 24, 2008

One last tumble in the Weeds

You would think that after the Trainwreck known as Super Bowl I would have washed my hands of Dandy completely. And if I were a sound person of logic, I would have. But, my emotions are my vulnerability as well as my willingness to fall for guys so easily got the best of me, as they always do.

At work I'd put up an icy front against Dandy. I figured that hateful glares combined with the silent treatment was my best course of action to follow. But it was hard. I'd really liked him, even though he was a druggie douche. Maybe it was more of a pride issue. I'd felt initially that I'd been "settling" with Dandy, and that I was out of his league, so despite the feelings I'd developed, it was almost embarrassing that I'd been dissed by someone whom I'd considered beneath me. Although I suppose that served as a wake-up call of sorts.

Slowly my hard exterior melted away until Dandy and I reached cordial terms. It was difficult to maintain an animosity when we worked so closely together and ran in the same social circles. Plus, for some reason, I've time and time again exhibited a weakness and vulnerability for the men who stomped on their hearts. Maybe I'm a masochist, but I tend to give multiple chances to men I'm emotionally connected to.

After a night at work, I went to our favorite dive bar, the scene of many of my past work-related sexual indiscretions, with my friends Wispy and Gay J. We laughed over cocktails and shots, singing to the likes of Eddie Money, when lo and behold, who should enter the bar but Dandy. My heart skipped a beat, as I hadn't expected to see him there. This was naive on my part as the bar was one of our favorite hangouts.

I was flanked by my two good friends, who were feeding into my ego, and building me up. I felt like I had the upper hand, I was looking fabulous, feeling good from all the cocktails, and Dandy was practically falling over himself flirting with me. In my mind, it was the perfect scenario. I was thinking that he realized how stupid he was to screw things up and wanted to make amends. I played it cool, and Gay J was my trusty sidekick, constantly chiming in to tell Dandy how hot and sexy I was and how utterly out of his league I was and how lucky he would be to go home with a girl like me.

The shots and cocktails were a-flowing throughout the rest of the night, and by last call I was sufficiently hammered. Definitely too drunk to drive. Never too drunk to fuck. Naturally I got Dandy to drive me home and with very little convincing, invited him to stay over. What are principles when there's a need to get laid? The next morning was like old times, nothing awkward, and we went back to get his car (he'd driven mine home) and that was that.

Apparently I learned nothing from the whole McRugby debacle. I was foolish enough to believe that things were turning out the way I wanted. That Dandy was finally cutting Fanga loose, and we were going to be together. Things went back to the way they were, he was full-on back with Fanga and we never spoke of that night after the bar. I guess he just wanted one last roll in the hay before returning to his girlfriend.

Hindsight is 20/20 and looking back on my whole "relationship" with Dandy, I went in with wholly unrealistic expectations. I romanticized our affair, and ignored the looming possibility that he was still with Fanga. But he was never 100% honest with me and I shouldn't blame myself for his lies, because I had no reason not to believe him. The irony of the situation was that I had truly believed that with Dandy I had found a nice, sweet guy. I'm starting to question whether or not such a thing exists...

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