Penis Karma

We've talked about karma before. I'd say that we all believe in it, to a degree. After all, if what goes around doesn't come around, then what's stopping you from living a hedonistic existence?

Well, we're not perfect. And we've done some things we've regretted. And I've done some things I've regretted. And it's come back to haunt me.

In the form of a very small penis.

In some ways, I'm a bit of a maneater. I'm always the dumper, never the dumpee. The closest I've ever been to dumped was Round leaving me at the senior dance, but I had technically already broken up with him before then. And I've been mean about a lot of the breakups. Most of the time, I just decide out of the blue that I don't want to be with them any more, call it a revelation, and break up with them as soon as possible. Over the phone, in a letter, over the phone the day after Christmas....you get the idea.

My first serious college boyfriend was one of the worse breakups. I had a dream about this guy who I had been spending a lot of time with. We had the same major and were passionate about both our major and several other subjects, and we clicked unbelievably. It never got romantic between us, but I always felt like it could have. I had a dream about him, and it made me realize what I was missing with my current boyfriend. I broke up with him two days later. He was hysterically upset when I broke the news to him, and he was really messed up about it for a long time after that.

My next major guy was the guy who worked in the adult industry and had a REALLY large penis. Really good-sized -- you have to for the industry! But what I had done to my first boyfriend was really haunting me. I felt bad. I knew it was going to hit me.

And then it did.

It didn't happen with the porn star guy. But as soon as there was a guy I really liked, and with whom I became intimate, to a certain degree, it unraveled. The more I liked a guy, THE SHORTER HIS PENIS WAS!!!! Granted, after a porn star, there's nowhere to go but down, but it WENT down and STAYED DOWN. I'm talking as in five inches being a TREAT.

The thing was, it kept going down. The first guy after the porn star was really good-sized as well, though not quite as big. And then they got shorter and shorter. I attributed it to bad things I had done -- "This is for stealing a guy from another girl who liked him." "This is for hooking up with a guy who liked me, then ditching him." "This is for being a slut."

By the time it got around to my second college boyfriend, I wasn't expecting much at all (he was short in height as well as appendages). But even for him, it was freakishly small. I then broke up with him in an equally abrupt but not quite as mean way. I cheated on him. He never found out, and I never wanted him to.

Round came next.

He was taller than the most recent boyfriend, but EVEN SHORTER IN APPENDAGES. The smallest I had ever been with -- I could barely feel him inside of me. And the worst part was that it was so tough for him to get hard that I would have to go down on him, then IMMEDIATELY jump on top of him before he lost his hard-on. Ugh. It's so demeaning, now that I think about it.

With the exception of the average-sized Jesus Iscariot, it's been downhill. So I'm really afraid now. God, I CHEATED on Round, too! That's cheating on two in a row -- that's REALLY bad penis karma!! I cheated on him TWICE! (Well, one was just that platonic sleepover with McDreamy, but still....that was one sexy night.)

I can only imagine what's in store for me next. It's going to be the size of a kidney bean or maybe a piece of ziti.

So, I've been staying away from guys for the past few months. I have a lot of reasons for that, but the one I never tell anyone is that I'm really afraid what Penis Karma has in store for me next.