It's getting kind of late, and I've been feeling very introspective and very stream-of-consciousness lately. So I decided to jot down a few things I've learned over the years from my various relationships that I think are important for every young woman to know when approaching romantic relationships:
*Nobody wants to date Superman
When you're dating someone who has a problem, whether it be an affinity/addiction to drugs, a mental disorder like Depression, love isn't always enough. And you can never use your love to fix a problem. Sometimes caring isn't enough. You can't always be the hero and rescue someone from themselves and change them in order to fit them to the mold of the relationship. Saving someone is what great friends do, but most guys don't want to feel like they need to be taken care of by their woman.
*When a guy tells you that he has never told anyone that he loves them, and that he believes that he is "incapable of love," RUN.
Run far away. Don't convince yourself that you can be the one who will make him see the light and that one day he will be overcome by his emotions and profess his love for you. Much like dating a serial cheater and believing that you will somehow be the One who will change his philandering ways. By even admitting it, he's doing you a favor and giving you an out. Believe what he says, and end it there. If love is what you're looking for, a guy like this will never be able to give you what you need.
*Sexual attraction and a great friendship doesn't always translate into a solid relationship.
You can be friends and find each other attractive, but at the core, if there's no real compatibility in terms of what you want from a prospective partner, don't try to force something that's not there. Settle for a great friendship, and feel free to sprinkle in a little innocent flirtation here and there, just always make sure to set a boundary that you don't cross.
*Most guys DO want what they can't have.
How many times after you split from a guy do you just wish that one day he'll come to his senses and come back to you, begging for forgiveness and to give it another go? How many times do you attempt the tactic of being cold and distant and even pursuing casual relationships with other guys knowing it will get back to your ex? Realistically though, what do you expect to happen once he's overcome with jealously and starts chasing after you? Will all of the problems you had before suddenly melt away? Will you finally be able to keep him, after he came to see what he had lost?
Probably not. Which brings me to my next point.
*Break-ups happen for a reason.
They call them "break"-ups because the relationship is BROKEN. It's pretty much never worth giving it another go, because aside from a few extreme cases, whatever the roots of the problem that resulted in the initial break-up were, they will still be there. You can love someone with all your heart, but the only way to be fair to yourself and the other person, you need to recognize when a romantic relationship is impossible to maintain.
*Good things come to those who wait.
Every time a relationship ends, you feel utterly lost and hopeless. You feel like you'll never have another chance at love, and that feeling of desperation typically manifests into a desire for what was lost. Even if you got out of an unhealthy relationship, in retrospect, everything is romanticized in your sad and warped little mind, and you obsess over what you did wrong and how to get your Ex back. Let it go. There IS something better out there. And don't be afraid when it takes a little longer to find it. Despite what movies, television and magazines tell you, there is no definitive timeline of finding love. Don't pressure yourself to pursue dead-end relationships just to feel like you've found what everyone tells you you should be looking for. Never feel like you're the only single girl out there because you are not alone. And cherish your singledom and use it as an opportunity to realy get to know You, and what you really want out of life, love, relationships. Figure out what it is you want, what it is you need, and you'll find that when the next guy comes around, you won't have to waste your time and emotion on someone who isn't worth it.
*Never settle..
...for anything less than butterflies.
Ladies, I'm sure you have some other excellent personal philosophies you've cultivated for yourselves and your relationships over the years, so feel free to add your own musings to my list.
Showing posts with label Ex-Boyfriends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ex-Boyfriends. Show all posts
Friday, November 09, 2007
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
The End of the McRugby Era
Back home, the glow of my vacation wore off quickly when I was faced with a minor medical emergency of a potential miscarriage and a diagnosis of high-risk HPV. Stressed and terrified, I turned to my friends and McRugby for emotional support. I had no friends in my new home at the time and the situation at hand wasn't anything I was ready to discuss with my mother.
Considering that McRugby was a contributing factor the the current conundrum I found myself in, I expected him to be a pillar of strength and support, despite the distance between us following what I felt was a great visit. I was wrong. Overnight, the phone calls, e-mails and instant messages were never returned. I took the hint and learned that he was off screwing other girls at college. Nice. Furthermore, he blamed me for everything that had happened and lamented on what I did to him and the consequences it would have and the havoc it would wreak on his future sex life. Ass. Why worry about my possible cancer diagnosis when you can't slut around?
McRugby, who used to be a devout Mormon, was now all about the hard-partying college lifestyle. Drinking, drugs and casual sex were the courses he was most interested in, and while I do find strict religious ways to be trying, I was completely put off by this new carefree attitude.
I made a mistake by going back down that road with McRugby. I should have known better than to let myself be swayed by his charms when I was so vulnerable. I had just moved to a new place, away from most of my family and friends and was in an unfamiliar town with a new job I couldn't stand, and none of my close friends lived less than 1500 miles away. I'd never felt more alone than I did in the weeks following the unceremonious and final split from McRugby, but that time in my life did teach me about the strength I have within myself to deal with the trials and tribulations I will face in my life.
Thankfully, despite my newfound inner strength, one of my friends, Midge (named for her short stature) was between jobs and had recently broken up with her boyfriend, so she immediately booked a flight and planned to come down and visit me. I was also starting a new job, while trying to maintain my old one (where I had just been named Employee of the Month), so in spite of the dark place I felt I was in, I aso sensed a new chapter in my life was beginning.
Considering that McRugby was a contributing factor the the current conundrum I found myself in, I expected him to be a pillar of strength and support, despite the distance between us following what I felt was a great visit. I was wrong. Overnight, the phone calls, e-mails and instant messages were never returned. I took the hint and learned that he was off screwing other girls at college. Nice. Furthermore, he blamed me for everything that had happened and lamented on what I did to him and the consequences it would have and the havoc it would wreak on his future sex life. Ass. Why worry about my possible cancer diagnosis when you can't slut around?
McRugby, who used to be a devout Mormon, was now all about the hard-partying college lifestyle. Drinking, drugs and casual sex were the courses he was most interested in, and while I do find strict religious ways to be trying, I was completely put off by this new carefree attitude.
I made a mistake by going back down that road with McRugby. I should have known better than to let myself be swayed by his charms when I was so vulnerable. I had just moved to a new place, away from most of my family and friends and was in an unfamiliar town with a new job I couldn't stand, and none of my close friends lived less than 1500 miles away. I'd never felt more alone than I did in the weeks following the unceremonious and final split from McRugby, but that time in my life did teach me about the strength I have within myself to deal with the trials and tribulations I will face in my life.
Thankfully, despite my newfound inner strength, one of my friends, Midge (named for her short stature) was between jobs and had recently broken up with her boyfriend, so she immediately booked a flight and planned to come down and visit me. I was also starting a new job, while trying to maintain my old one (where I had just been named Employee of the Month), so in spite of the dark place I felt I was in, I aso sensed a new chapter in my life was beginning.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Homecoming to McRugby, Part II
The entire weekend, I didn’t want to leave McRugby’s side. Being with him just felt right. Not much else mattered to me. When I returned to my school, so manyof my peers whom I had considered to be such goodf riends had changed for the worse. They couldn’t care less that I’d traveled all this way to see them, and I couldn’t care less for their new attitudes. The rugby team, that I had help build from the ground up and put all of my blood, sweat and tears into, had become degraded into a sorority. The primary focus of the team is to party and sleep with the men’s team, and winning games is secondary, as evidenced by their record of 1-3 (and the one win was a fluke, you would have to be a deaf, dumb and blind paraplegic to lose to this team).
It made me sick to my stomach to see everything I had worked for had gone to shit. And it dawned on me thatI had moved beyond this. And even though it had been the most important and consuming part of the past yearof my life, it was over and done with. I looked out at the girls practicing and lamented that rugby had become a thing of the past and then turned to look across the field at McRugby practicing with the guys and smiled towards what appeared to be the only element of this world that seemed to have a place in my future.
And I was completely satisfied with that.
He ran over to me all sweaty after practice and despite the pools of perspiration, he never looked more adorable. We walked off together and he went to shower at a friend’s house. We then went to hang out with the three girls who managed to give a shit that Iwas visiting and had a low-key night of drinking and alittle bit of Beirut. I had always been a bit of a legendary Beirut player, but I was way out of practice. McRugby, who used to be laughable, actually carried the team. We lost, but it didn’t matter. We were going home to have some long-awaited great sex anyway.
The next day we hung around on campus while he went to class and practice and then around dinnertime, we headed into the city to meet up with Miranda and Samantha, who were very eager to meet the mythical McRugby. He had been hesitant to make the effort of going into town, but wanted to do anything he could to make my weekend as enjoyable as possible. He was being as accommodating as possible and ended up having a great time, once he got over griping about driving. Besides, he said jokingly, the exchange of sex, or the sexchange, made any small task worth it.
The ladies and I and McRugby bounced from bar to bar, all of us girls wearing shirts for fellow bar patrons to sign. McRugby’s presence resulted in me having significantly less signatures than Miranda and Samantha, but it was a sacrifice I was more than willing to make. We spent a few hours in town and had to leave early to make our train and get home before McRugby fell asleep at the wheel. I was getting tired anyway, a problem that plagued a majority of my visit, and he ordered me to take a nap on the way home because he wasn’t going to let me pull the “I’m too tired for sex” card, as if I would.
The sex had suddenly become much better. When we dated, it was sort of lackluster and never lasted long, but I didn’t mind because I really cared about him. Of course, following the ugly break-up, this fact about our sex life did not remain a secret. He learned to increase his stamina to last longer than 5 minutes and also purchased certain vibrating accessories to make the sex more interesting. For once, I didn't dread going to bed with him.
It made me sick to my stomach to see everything I had worked for had gone to shit. And it dawned on me thatI had moved beyond this. And even though it had been the most important and consuming part of the past yearof my life, it was over and done with. I looked out at the girls practicing and lamented that rugby had become a thing of the past and then turned to look across the field at McRugby practicing with the guys and smiled towards what appeared to be the only element of this world that seemed to have a place in my future.
And I was completely satisfied with that.
He ran over to me all sweaty after practice and despite the pools of perspiration, he never looked more adorable. We walked off together and he went to shower at a friend’s house. We then went to hang out with the three girls who managed to give a shit that Iwas visiting and had a low-key night of drinking and alittle bit of Beirut. I had always been a bit of a legendary Beirut player, but I was way out of practice. McRugby, who used to be laughable, actually carried the team. We lost, but it didn’t matter. We were going home to have some long-awaited great sex anyway.
The next day we hung around on campus while he went to class and practice and then around dinnertime, we headed into the city to meet up with Miranda and Samantha, who were very eager to meet the mythical McRugby. He had been hesitant to make the effort of going into town, but wanted to do anything he could to make my weekend as enjoyable as possible. He was being as accommodating as possible and ended up having a great time, once he got over griping about driving. Besides, he said jokingly, the exchange of sex, or the sexchange, made any small task worth it.
The ladies and I and McRugby bounced from bar to bar, all of us girls wearing shirts for fellow bar patrons to sign. McRugby’s presence resulted in me having significantly less signatures than Miranda and Samantha, but it was a sacrifice I was more than willing to make. We spent a few hours in town and had to leave early to make our train and get home before McRugby fell asleep at the wheel. I was getting tired anyway, a problem that plagued a majority of my visit, and he ordered me to take a nap on the way home because he wasn’t going to let me pull the “I’m too tired for sex” card, as if I would.
The sex had suddenly become much better. When we dated, it was sort of lackluster and never lasted long, but I didn’t mind because I really cared about him. Of course, following the ugly break-up, this fact about our sex life did not remain a secret. He learned to increase his stamina to last longer than 5 minutes and also purchased certain vibrating accessories to make the sex more interesting. For once, I didn't dread going to bed with him.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Homecoming to McRugby, Part I
I finally went home to visit McRugby and my friends. And in a word, the trip was wonderful. McRugby was wonderful, and this trip cemented how much I actually care about him. He picked me up from the airport and the second I saw him standing at the bottom of the escalator, my heart began fluttering as all of my feelings I had for him in the past came rushing back in an instant. It felt so unreal, like something out of the movies. The waves of emotion that came over me were overpowering, seeing him there was probably one of the happiest moments in my life.
We hugged and kissed and held each other and pretty much acted like “those” people you see and loathe in public. Yes, I was guilty of a PDA, but in my defense,I hadn’t seen him in about 6 months. The luggage took forever to come out, but once it finally did we made our way over to the parking lot and his car. By this point, we feel we’d waited an appropriate amount of time and pretty much jumped on each other once in the car. The airport patrons and officials were lucky that we didn’t fuck right then and there in the baggage claim. So we climbed over into the backseat, I’d dressed accordingly in a skirt and crotchless underwear- because hey, a girl’s gotta be prepared.
Now, I don’t know how many of you have attempted vehicular sex, particularly in a small car. But, shit’s tough. I’m not that short, so I pretty much had my head crammed up against the car ceiling. Then, when an airport security guy walked by and peered in, we burst out laughing and decided to hold off until we had a little more privacy.
We hugged and kissed and held each other and pretty much acted like “those” people you see and loathe in public. Yes, I was guilty of a PDA, but in my defense,I hadn’t seen him in about 6 months. The luggage took forever to come out, but once it finally did we made our way over to the parking lot and his car. By this point, we feel we’d waited an appropriate amount of time and pretty much jumped on each other once in the car. The airport patrons and officials were lucky that we didn’t fuck right then and there in the baggage claim. So we climbed over into the backseat, I’d dressed accordingly in a skirt and crotchless underwear- because hey, a girl’s gotta be prepared.
Now, I don’t know how many of you have attempted vehicular sex, particularly in a small car. But, shit’s tough. I’m not that short, so I pretty much had my head crammed up against the car ceiling. Then, when an airport security guy walked by and peered in, we burst out laughing and decided to hold off until we had a little more privacy.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Getting McCheesy
“I'm sitting thinking…Would you like to know what I think? I think you are really great. I think you arereally smart, and you are sarcastic in the best way,and you make me feel very happy. I think you are one of the best people I know. And even when I'm sad about you not being around, I'm still happy that I can anticipate having you around. You mean a lot to me. I just like you to know how important you are to me.”
This positively melted my heart. I’m trying to be as stand-offish as I can with him, but the truth is I’m his, completely and totally, if he wants.
When the Ex, now dubbed “McRugby” courtesy of Miranda,first came back into my life, I thought nothing much of it. But now, suddenly, he consumes so much of my time and thoughts. Every day how much I miss him crosses my mind, and coming home from a long day atwork, talking to him always makes me smile.To this day, he still gives me butterflies. Even in a conversation online, he can make my heart flutter withthe sweet things he says.
And I’d never settle for anything less.
This positively melted my heart. I’m trying to be as stand-offish as I can with him, but the truth is I’m his, completely and totally, if he wants.
When the Ex, now dubbed “McRugby” courtesy of Miranda,first came back into my life, I thought nothing much of it. But now, suddenly, he consumes so much of my time and thoughts. Every day how much I miss him crosses my mind, and coming home from a long day atwork, talking to him always makes me smile.To this day, he still gives me butterflies. Even in a conversation online, he can make my heart flutter withthe sweet things he says.
And I’d never settle for anything less.
Saturday, September 16, 2006
A Tale of Two Men
So, I’ve fallen into regular communication with the Ex again. I’ve come to terms with this. In fact, I really have missed talking with him. He says he can’t wait for me to visit, and he’s sending me a package in the meantime. He calls me almost daily just to say “Hi” and “I miss you.” I don’t really know where it’s going, but I’m just going to roll with it.
Today the Soldier IM-ed me. He’s currently stationed in Kuwait until he gets shipped to Iraq. It’s the first time we’ve talked in a couple weeks.
Meanwhile, the Ex has been badgering me to know who the mystery man I slept with after we broke up is. At first I didn’t think there was any reason for me to tell him, but lately it’s really been eating away at me. I’m feeling guilty about the fact that I slept with one of his teammates, something that I had denied in previous conversations.
I know I shouldn’t have to feel this way because only weeks after we broke up, he got back with his ex-girlfriend, a bitch who was on the rugby team with me. So really, what right would he have to be upset about my hooking up with one of his teammates? Furthermore, the Soldier is overseas now, so it’s not like they could have a run-in.
I know this isn’t a particularly entertaining or witty entry, but it’s something that’s been weighing heavily on my mind. I don’t know if I should tell him or not. Any feedback on the matter would be greatly appreciated.
Today the Soldier IM-ed me. He’s currently stationed in Kuwait until he gets shipped to Iraq. It’s the first time we’ve talked in a couple weeks.
Meanwhile, the Ex has been badgering me to know who the mystery man I slept with after we broke up is. At first I didn’t think there was any reason for me to tell him, but lately it’s really been eating away at me. I’m feeling guilty about the fact that I slept with one of his teammates, something that I had denied in previous conversations.
I know I shouldn’t have to feel this way because only weeks after we broke up, he got back with his ex-girlfriend, a bitch who was on the rugby team with me. So really, what right would he have to be upset about my hooking up with one of his teammates? Furthermore, the Soldier is overseas now, so it’s not like they could have a run-in.
I know this isn’t a particularly entertaining or witty entry, but it’s something that’s been weighing heavily on my mind. I don’t know if I should tell him or not. Any feedback on the matter would be greatly appreciated.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Regression
After graduating college, I decided to move away from the state I grew up in. A large part of what motivated me to leave was my falling out with the Ex. There’s nothing like running thousands of miles away from your problems, is there? I was also graduating with no concrete plans or solid prospects, so I saw no reason not to uproot.
The day after I settled in, I was online talking to the Soldier when I receive a message from none other than the Ex. He asked if I had really moved, and I sarcastically replied "Oh, you didn’t get the memo?" I wasn’t wholly receptive to this sudden invasion on my life, because aside from a few rogue messages over the summer, we hadn’t spoken in about 4 months.
And then he dropped the bombshell.
Those three little words.
No, not those.
"I miss you."
Who does that? After months of torment, I had finally laid all of my feeling for him to rest and made peace with what happened between us. I wonder if he’d still be coming to me with this if I hadn’t moved away. I can’t tell if it’s genuine or if it’s a game. I don’t now if he’s just trying to see how tight his hold on me is and see how much control he can exercise. Is he just sensing that in a new place, I might actually have the chance to be happy and he has to swoop in and shit all over it?
I can’t pretend that I hadn’t imagined this exact scenario playing out in my head. That I would move away and suddenly he’d wake up and realize how badly he’d fucked up and hurt me, and come crawling back, trying to insert himself back into my life.
I didn’t tell him about the Soldier. They weren’t really friends, but I’m sure the fact that he was also on the team would cause for some unnecessary drama, even though he’s in Iraq now. I don’t think I ever will. Not that it’s any of his business anyway.
He calls me or messages me daily to tell me he misses me.
And the worst part is…
I’m pretty sure I miss him too.
The day after I settled in, I was online talking to the Soldier when I receive a message from none other than the Ex. He asked if I had really moved, and I sarcastically replied "Oh, you didn’t get the memo?" I wasn’t wholly receptive to this sudden invasion on my life, because aside from a few rogue messages over the summer, we hadn’t spoken in about 4 months.
And then he dropped the bombshell.
Those three little words.
No, not those.
"I miss you."
Who does that? After months of torment, I had finally laid all of my feeling for him to rest and made peace with what happened between us. I wonder if he’d still be coming to me with this if I hadn’t moved away. I can’t tell if it’s genuine or if it’s a game. I don’t now if he’s just trying to see how tight his hold on me is and see how much control he can exercise. Is he just sensing that in a new place, I might actually have the chance to be happy and he has to swoop in and shit all over it?
I can’t pretend that I hadn’t imagined this exact scenario playing out in my head. That I would move away and suddenly he’d wake up and realize how badly he’d fucked up and hurt me, and come crawling back, trying to insert himself back into my life.
I didn’t tell him about the Soldier. They weren’t really friends, but I’m sure the fact that he was also on the team would cause for some unnecessary drama, even though he’s in Iraq now. I don’t think I ever will. Not that it’s any of his business anyway.
He calls me or messages me daily to tell me he misses me.
And the worst part is…
I’m pretty sure I miss him too.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
The Ex
I was entering my final year of college when I decided to join the school rugby team as a way to meet new people. I showed up to the practice with my friend with the intention of finding a boy to bed. I didn't know much about the game of rugby other than it was a game popular in England and Ireland and was, in layman's terms, a mix of football and soccer and was very aggressive. And from what I had gathered, most of the guys who played were dead sexy.
The second I showed up, I was not disappointed. The team was comprised of maybe some of the best looking guys on the entire campus. They weren't all Adonis', but on the whole, they were quite impressive looking. I stood and watched them do tackling drills completely mesmerized. I guarantee there's no bigger turn-on than watching guys play rugby.
But I digress. Of all the guys who caught my eye, there was one who didn't. As the season progressed, two of my friends began fancying this fellow, and I couldn't care less. Although I didn't have much of a sexual attraction to him, we became great friends. I began picking up on the signals as time passed , like the way he looked at me and singled me out. Eventually, we started dating. Internally I gloated, because I was the envy of several of the girls who had all been vying for the attention.
It was a whirlwind romance, lasting only a few months. I had to overcome the hurdle that he was a devout Mormon. Inwardly I groaned, but remained resolute that I would defeat God. And sure enough, in two weeks, we'd overcome his reservations about sex and all that What Would Jesus Do? nonsense. I was hailed as a hero by our teammates and my other friends for triumphing over his foolish religion, and luring him over to the dark side. Eventually God won out this battle, as he began to repent and ended up pushing away from me, resulting in the demise of our relationship.
We tried to remain friends until he decided to reunite with his ex, a skinny little twat whom my friends and I already loathed, and became incommunicado. As quickly as he'd dropped into my life, he dropped out.
The second I showed up, I was not disappointed. The team was comprised of maybe some of the best looking guys on the entire campus. They weren't all Adonis', but on the whole, they were quite impressive looking. I stood and watched them do tackling drills completely mesmerized. I guarantee there's no bigger turn-on than watching guys play rugby.
But I digress. Of all the guys who caught my eye, there was one who didn't. As the season progressed, two of my friends began fancying this fellow, and I couldn't care less. Although I didn't have much of a sexual attraction to him, we became great friends. I began picking up on the signals as time passed , like the way he looked at me and singled me out. Eventually, we started dating. Internally I gloated, because I was the envy of several of the girls who had all been vying for the attention.
It was a whirlwind romance, lasting only a few months. I had to overcome the hurdle that he was a devout Mormon. Inwardly I groaned, but remained resolute that I would defeat God. And sure enough, in two weeks, we'd overcome his reservations about sex and all that What Would Jesus Do? nonsense. I was hailed as a hero by our teammates and my other friends for triumphing over his foolish religion, and luring him over to the dark side. Eventually God won out this battle, as he began to repent and ended up pushing away from me, resulting in the demise of our relationship.
We tried to remain friends until he decided to reunite with his ex, a skinny little twat whom my friends and I already loathed, and became incommunicado. As quickly as he'd dropped into my life, he dropped out.
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